ATB’s Top 25 Male Characters: The WORST

Kratos_god_of_war

Chris: I’ve not sure why this hatred has always stuck with me, but Wakka from Final Fantasy X has to be one of the lowest characters on my list. His accent annoys me. Using a ball as a weapon annoys me. His racism annoys me. I’m probably supposed to be rooting for Wakka and Lulu to make it as a couple after the whole Chappu thing, but…nope. That annoys me too.

I’ll give a dishonorable mention to 343 Guilty Spark from the Halo series. He was annoying when he was sort of on your side, but becoming the final boss of the Halo trilogy? The final boss? The guy that kills Johnson? Ugh.

Joseph: There is one that comes to mind. Kratos. Not the one that made our list. The other guy. The pasty white, bald, bearded, alpha male Grecian headlining the God of War series. Yes, I played the three main games. In each game, Kratos gets more and more brutal in his fight against most of the backbone of mythology. Does he really need a sex scene in every game? Guess that wife didn’t mean too much to him. Does he really get the chance to save them, yet completely ignore it. Sure. But hey, if a defining moment in your life could be so easily reversed, what’s the point, right? Oh wait, I spent two games getting to that point, cutting my way through thousands upon thousands of enemies and clawing my way out of Hades. So, why wouldn’t I feel like I had earned a reprieve?

If you don’t know about the brutal nature of the games and don’t care about spoilers, watch a YouTube video of the first boss fight in the third game. It’s completely unnecessary and I didn’t like it. Also, there are other puzzles that could have been solved very easily without the use of violence, but Kratos just doesn’t feel right without blood on his hands. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy my fair share of fake killing fake character models, but everyone has their limit, and this series made me hit mine. No thank you.

Cary: Alright, I’mma gonna keep things brief here, because lord knows I could probably devote an entire blog to this topic. (It’d be called “You’ve Got No Male.” Actually, no it won’t, because that’s a crappy name.) I’ll go ahead and kick these dusty, skeletal remains first, but E. T. from nefarious Atari 2600 game has to be the WORST EVER rendition of a lovable if slightly grotesque alien. How anyone could take what they saw in the movie E. T. and compile it into most meaningless collection of pixels ever assembled in a video game, I’ll never know. Except, I played the game, so I know. I wish I didn’t, but I do. And I’ll know forever and ever.

Second, I nominate (or de-nominate as the case may be) Professor Kawashima from the Brain Age games. I really liked those games but could have done without the constant talking head telling me how great or, more likely, how horrible I was doing. Plus, he looked something freaky, like Max Headroom, but without the perky quips and stutter. Actually, if Max Headroom had been in the Brain Age games, I probably would have hated him too…eventually. I mean, have you seen the TV show?

And finally, though it kills my Disney-esque spirit a little to even conjure up the thought, but Oswald from Epic Mickey 2, and very specifically, Oswald as he is presented in a single-player game (where the player controls only Mickey), is so, so, sooooo horrible. The first Epic Mickey bordered on greatness. The second one bordered on…nothing. It just teetered right off the edge of totally f****** unbearable. In EM2, not only is Oswald’s AI just about the worst I’ve ever experienced in a game, he was made into nothing but a grating annoyance of useless data. Rarely did he follow commands. Keeping in mind that I’m still talking single-player here, most of the time when I needed him to actually do something, he’d be stuck in a corner fiddling around with his remote or telling me that he couldn’t help me out. EM2 was marketed primarily as a two-player game, and I can see why – because the single player game sucked ass, and that was all because of Oswald. Sure, the game had other problems that made it hard to enjoy — little things like bad controls, camera issues, and poor level design — but the absolutely unhelpful dickhead that was Oswald topped the scales of awfulness. He remains the one and only reason why I didn’t complete the game and never will.

TOP 25 MALE CHARACTERS

(1) Link

(2) Phoenix Wright

(3) Riku

(4) Zidane Tribal

(5) Garrus Vakarian

(6) John Marston

(7) Commander Shepard

(8) Yuri Lowell

(9) Lee Everett

(10) Kratos Aurion

(11) Mordin Solus

(12) Yu Narukami

(13) Bigby Wolf

(14) Auron

(15) Solid Snake

(16) Conker T. Squirrel

(17) Yoshi

(18) Red

(19) Ganondorf

(20) Kefka Palazzo

(21) Crono

(22) Alistair

(23) Mike Haggar

(24) Miles Edgeworth

(25) The Lone Wanderer

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Honorable Mention

Introduction

TOP 25 FEMALE CHARACTERS

(1) Samus Aran

(2) Princess Zelda

(3) Commander Shepard

(4) Midna

(5) Lucina

(6) Clementine

(7) Celes Chere

(8) GLaDOS

(9) Alex Roivas

(10) Cortana

(11) Mia Fey

(12) Maya Fey

(13) Sarah Kerrigan

(14) Lara Croft

(15) Garnet til Alexandros

(16) Ellie

(17) Jill Valentine

(18) Milla Maxwell

(19) Elizabeth

(20) Samantha Greenbriar

(21) Cammy White

(22) Chell

(23) Tali’Zorah vas Normandy

(24) Tear Grants

(25)  Liara T’Soni

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Introduction/Honorable Mention

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