ATB’s Top 25 Pokemon: The WORST Pokemon

worstpokemon

This is the final day of our month-plus worth of Pokemon coverage. After today, our Fire Red playthrough will drop back to Monday through Friday, and regular articles will resume. Some of you are probably sad, and the non-Pokemon fans are probably like YES THANK GOD FINALLY. Different strokes.

We’ve spent many days extolling the virtues of some of the best Pokemon out there. Today is not about that. This post is about the worst Pokemon in existence.

WORST POKEMON

Chris: I’m just going to pick a few that have caused me anguish over the years…

ZUBAT: Because you can’t take a goddamn step in a cave without one hitting you in the face.

MR. MIME: Because anything that’s this close to a human is already bad, but a mime?

JYNX: Because making Jynx and Mr. Popo purple instead of black doesn’t make up for the borderline racism.

SUDOWOODO: Because 12-year-old Chris couldn’t figure out what the hell type it was to save his life.

SMEARGLE: Because if I wanted to waste my time, I would go outside or something instead.

WYNAUT: Because who in the hell needed a Wobbuffet pre-evolution, that’s why not.

BIDOOF: Because it’s the worst, and if you like it you should feel bad.

STOUTLAND: Because Lillipup was pretty cool until he evolved and got grandpa-level nose hairs everywhere.

ANYTHING STARTING WITH SIMI-: Because screw this poor man’s starter trio of monkeys and their derp faces.

TRUBBISH/GARBADOR: Because trash shouldn’t be a Pokemon, but I guess it’s too late now.

ANYTHING STARTING WITH VANILL-: Because ice cream shouldn’t be a Pokemon, but I guess it’s too late now.

FURFROU: Because it symbolizes all the snobbish rich people in every Pokemon game.

Joseph: Worst Pokémon ever? I think that honor would have to go to Farfetch’d. It was a first generation, non-evolving duck that didn’t have a good move set or endgame utility. The designers essentially wanted to fill a space in the Pokédex and gave up after drawing a Psyduck eating dinner. Normal/Flying? Other than Pidgey, Pidgeotto, Pidgeot, Spearow, Fearow, Doduo, Dodrio, Hoothoot, Noctowl, Taillow, Swellow, Swablu, etc. who has that distinction? I think you understand my viewpoint. Farfetch’d is a small weed in a forest of mediocrity surrounded by Pokémon that are genuinely interesting. Multiple Pokédex entries for this Pokémon suggest it is going extinct. Would humanity truly miss it?

Shaun and Michaela’s Top 25 Worst List

25. Beedrill
Oh good, a huge angry bee Pokemon. Another lesson why people in the Pokemon world can’t leave their homes.

24. Weezing
One Weezing is the equivalent of being in a room full of obese old people who just walked up a flight of stairs. Gotta catch em’ all!

23. Maractus
The most useless Pokemon imaginable. It can’t evolve. It’s exclusively Grass type. And its weirdly anthropomorphic body and face randomly appears in my pleasant dreams and turns them into nightmares where it needles me to death while laughing.

22. Vanilluxe
I want to blend Vanilluxe into a milkshake and pour it into the inky blackness of space. Pokemon that resemble real things are a problem. Pokemon that resemble human food are unforgiveable.

21. Zubat
There are SO many of them. If a virus came and wiped out, like, 85 percent of the population, could anyone really see that as a bad thing? Would anyone care? Be honest. And despite their ludicrous numbers, it’s still impossible to catch a Shiny Zubat. Go figure.

20. Meowth
Pokemon can’t talk, and there’s already a bunch of cat Pokemon, each of whom are better than you. Meeeowth, that’s…wrong. Kill yourself.

19. Conkeldurr
I’d almost feel bad for a Pokemon who was, from conception, born only to fight or perform physical labor, but I hate it too much to care. Those roids are gonna come back to haunt you in a few years, bro. Just wait for it.

18. Gliscor
This thing killed me so many times in the Elite Four in Platinum that it ruined any chances of me seeing any value in it. Plus it’s creepy. Down vote.

17. Muk
According to the Pokedex, a single drop could poison an entire lake. Not to be mean, but why is this Pokemon allowed to live? Someone needs to order an airstrike before their world becomes uninhabitable.

16. Jellicent
A fat jellyfish with a horrific face, this thing’s typing may be interesting, but it looks like it could sink from obesity at any moment.

15. Gastrodon
Sounds like the name of nuclear acid that will explode when you least expect it. Handle with care, or you will die from being exposed to such a disgusting Pokemon.

14. Tangrowth
Needs conditioner.

13. Probobass
He has a mustache that is weirdly reminiscent of Mario. I don’t want Mario in Pokemon, but since the crossover is apparent in Probobass, all I can say is that it better not happen again.

12. Abomasnow
Sounds a little too phonetically close to Obama. I’m not political by any means, but when the name of a Pokemon sounds like the leader of a country, a weird image keeps popping in my head.

11. Amoongus
The fact that this thing is a mushroom and tricks me into thinking it’s a Pokeball makes me feel like an idiot.

10. Lickilicky
Took me 10 minutes just to figure out how to spell this stupid Pokemon’s name. Not only is the name unbelievably dumb, but so is its appearance. The idea of a tongue Pokemon was never good, but this just made it even worse.

9. Rotom
Why in the frig does Rotom have a gazillion forms? What’s the point? To make itself desired? Impossible. Stop wasting your time. No one likes you, Rotom.

8. Purugly
Any Pokemon with the name “ugly” in it just has a horrible life. Crawl back in your egg and don’t come out.

7. Exeggutor
Looks like a Pokemon that failed in theater class. I can’t help but think its faces highly resemble those creepy drama faces that people use to symbolize theater, and that they serve zero purpose outside of characterizing Exeggutor as a theater nut.

6. Darmanitan
I can’t even begin to describe what I think this is. Some kind of Amazonian ritual animal? All I know is I’m always given the urge to kill it with a Hydro Pump as soon as possible.

5. Wobbuffet
Useless in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I don’t even know what is wrong with this Pokemon. Why is it shaped like that? Why does its tail have eyes that look ready to gaze into the depths of my soul? So many issues.

4. Delibird
“Delivery! Oh just kidding here’s a BOMB for you, have fun.” Okay, so maybe it was food instead of a bomb, but the point is that this pretty much sums up my first experience fighting against a Delibird, and reminded me of how creepy the anthropomorphic zed Pokemon are. Why are we relying on birds to deliver food for us now? It’s not like the people in the world of Pokemon don’t have the means to cook for themselves. Despicable.

3. Jynx
Another example of a stupid humanoid Pokemon, except as a bonus, this one is also unbelievably racist and terrible at dancing to communicate or whatever nonsense the Pokedex says…Jynx is a culturally insensitive abomination.

2. Garbodor
So ugly and disgusting. I think I gagged the first time I came across one. Why would anyone want to fight with trash?! The only perk is you can probably kill your enemies by smell and looks alone, but since the world of Pokemon doesn’t work like that, this thing would die so easily since it can’t do jack. Makes me happy Pokemon don’t exist- can you imagine this greeting you on your walk to take out the trash in the morning?

1. Heatran
This jackass was impossible to catch in my game. I tried at least thirty times before deciding he wasn’t worth my time and proceeded to take great enjoyment out of killing him. I don’t know why I tried so hard to catch him, he’s an ugly fire pig – oh wait, that already exists. He’s an ugly fire…You know what, forget it. He’s so bland for a “legendary”, there’s no way to effectively describe him in order to convey that. He sucks, and never again do I ever want to come across one.

ATB’S TOP 25 POKEMON

(1) Milotic

(2) Metagross

(3) Mew

(4) Piplup

(5) Mewtwo

(6) Togekiss

(7) Espeon

(8) Glaceon

(9) Blastoise

(10) Lugia

(11) Charizard

(12) Scizor

(13) Latios

(14) Articuno

(15) Cubone

(16) Snorlax

(17) Starmie

(18) Pikachu

(19) Torchic

(20) Garchomp

(21) Lapras

(22) Dragonair

(23) Swampert

(24) Voltorb

(25) Butterfree

#50-26

#75-51

#100-76

#125-101

Honorable Mention

Statistics and Numbers

Our Impressions

Overview/Your Opinions

Introduction

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