The guys on At The Buzzer did a series of really funny Super Smash Bros Game On’s, and they didn’t invite me. Fine. I didn’t want to be part of it anyways.

As soon as I was NOT invited, I began theorizing and contemplating which character would best serve as my instrument of NON-BITTER, totally apathetic revenge. My decision, after some deliberation, was simple. My wave of destruction would be the lightning-fast ninja, Sheik.

I have a lot of reasons for picking Sheik to be my vanguard of death. For one thing, Sheik is the transformation of Zelda. Zelda is a pimp, but she’s too refined to care about fighting. Or revenge. So since I don’t care for Zelda’s lack of speed, Sheik compensates for it. It does make for some great tactical fighting strategies, transforming back and forth between the two, but since I never mastered it, I just stick to spamming Sheik all day against my opponents. In a tournament against three others, Sheik’s speed would be critical in landing in hits and dodging the opponents.

This was essential back in the days of Super Smash Bros Melee, since she was one of the most powerful characters. But then Super Smash Bros Brawl released, and some things were changed around. Not that these changes were all terrible or anything, but the thing about Brawl is it has a huge cast of characters, which is great for variety and all that, but the balancing of characters became a bit of an issue. So while some things were altered, the most important thing remained – her speed.  For Sheik, speed is everything.

Okay, maybe not EVERYTHING. Not only is Sheik fast, but she also has an assortment of powerful, fast attacks that make for stringing a combination of solid combos that won’t leave the enemy with many openings. She has a warping ability that, though its range is short, it can burn opponents that are too close for comfort. She has a minimal amount of weapons that are mostly used for stun purposes (a chain that electrocutes people, at least in Brawl anyway, and needles that she shoots out from her hands), and her Smash Attacks (more powerful versions of the regular attacks) are devastating for anyone that is unfortunate enough to get in her way.

These are all important for my grand strategy of annihilation in the tournament rounds. Using gorilla tactics, it would be easy to attack and dodge with ease, and by avoiding the crowd for the entirety of the battle and taking out foes at the most opportune moments when they are vulnerable, I’ll get my imaginary trophy of glory against the stupid powerhouses that are Ike. Stupid Ike.

Back when Super Smash Bros Brawl was released, it introduced a story mode that had a relatively interesting narrative weaved into it (something to which hadn’t been done previously) and Sheik’s inclusion was, though a bit late in my opinion, pretty sweet. “Is she attacking Fox? Oh whatever, it doesn’t matter since she just smashed the front of the Arwing with her HAND like it was nothing at all.” HER HAND.

It also doesn’t hurt that Sheik’s representation of one of the best series in existence has always been another reason that I like to play as her, and come tournament time in Brawl, she will destroy everything. Literally everything. Especially the hearts and minds of a certain cast of a certain show.