The Conjuring Will Decide If I Ever Watch Horror Movies Again

Warning: Spoilers below…but not of The Conjuring. 

Apparently, The Conjuring has been getting really positive reviews, and it looks plenty scary. Typically, I’m not a huge horror fan, but I’d really like to check it out.

There’s only one problem – I’m protesting current generation horror movies. And it’s hard to protest when you’re in the theater watching the movie.
I wasn’t always such a wet blanket. I wasn’t born this way. I was MADE this way. By society. And Hollywood. And horror movies.
I used to enjoy the genre. It was fun. There was a body count, of course – which I always felt bad about, by the way. Who tells the families? “Um, sir and mam, I’m sorry…your son was murdered. Did he die well? Um, okay…it depends on how you define that. He was stabbed 17 times and then his head was shoved into the engine of a car. So, relatively speaking…”
Yup. This guy's good as dead.
Yup. This guy’s good as dead.
Anyways, I think all that’s okay, but it bothers me when everyone in the cast dies. Oh, sure, it was fine in the beginning, when killing the entire cast was actually subverting expectation and “throwing a curveball” at the audience.
But now, with movies like Blair Witch, The Paranormal Activities, Quarantine, Saw, Sinister, and I don’t even know how many others, it’s become common place to leave no main characters alive. To which I ask, what even is the point?
Actually, I did ask that. Here is the conversation I had with friend and contributor to At The Buzzer, Gary Sundt.

Shaun: I was thinking about seeing the Conjuring, but I’m done with horror for awhile.

Everyone always dies and it’s annoying.

Gary: You should see evil dead. It isn’t like that.

S:  I’m trying to think of the last movie I saw that didn’t have that. Scream 4?

G: I’m telling you, Evil Dead.

S: Yeah, Evil Dead. Where there’s one survivor. At least it’s an improvement…

G: That’s good. 1 survivor is plenty.

S: I mean…it depends on the ratio, I think. The less main characters, the more that’s okay

G: There are five in evil dead. That’s pretty okay

S: One is probably okay in that case. But Sinister? Did you see Sinister? THE WORST. Spoilers – everyone dies.

G: You have bitched about sinister…

Dude, are you serious? Try TURNING AROUND EVER.
Dude, are you serious? Try TURNING AROUND EVER.

S: Right? Gary, the whole movie, they say “No one ever escapes this house.” So you’re like, man, it’s gonna be so awesome when…oh, okay. No, the bad guy just wins again.

Sweet. Screw you, demomn [sic].

I would punch that demon in his stupid face.

You’re gonna sit here and make noise in my attic? Boom! Here’s a handgun.

It might not work. But it’s worth a damn try.

That’s the problem though. The characters aren’t realistic or interesting in these. They are just sheep being led to slaughter for our “enjoyment.”

G: Demomn? You know, there should be a movie called De-Mom

About, well, a demon mom.

S: Okay. And will this make me like horror movies again?

G: Well she would be a demon stepmother obvi. Four kids.

S: Death toll?

G: Dad and oldest brother die.

3 kids and an aunt survive.

S: This sounds like Snow White.

G: Everything sounds like Snow White to you.

Every time I say step mother, you think I mean Snow White.

If I say “apple”, Snow White.

S: That’s absolutely true. Even when you say Cinderella, I think Snow White.

So will you tell me if the Conjuring ends with everyone dying? It might restore my faith in the genre.

G: I think it’s cause you like your bitches unconscious.

S: Yeah, well, I’m certainly am someone that gives off that vibe…

G: Uh did you see Evil Dead. Watch it. So scary.

S: No, right, okay, Evil Dead, got it, but I’m saying Conjuring. You have to be my rock in The Conjuring. See it so I don’t have to, and then tell me if it’s what i think it is.

Gary: I will. I have to see RIPD with my mom tonight.

S: You were supposed to be my rock, but you’re going to see a bad Ryan Reynolds movie with your mom.


Tell her I say hi.


So there you have it. All my hopes for the future of horror movies rests in The Conjuring hands. That sounds perfectly reasonable.


4 thoughts on “The Conjuring Will Decide If I Ever Watch Horror Movies Again

  1. I like to think that the person describing how their son died might have a few examples handy to adequately follow up, “So relatively speaking…” lol

    1. You’re probably right. But in the extreme Meta-ness of it, maybe they realize they just talked themselves into a corner. And at that moment, they realize maybe they were not the best person for that job…

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