The Christmas Leprechaun Wishes You and Yours a Very Merry Christmas
Santa Claus is dead.
Not figuratively, like “people are jaded and don’t believe in miracles anymore.” Literally, he bit the bullet. Figuratively. He was actually thrown out of his sleigh into a volcano. Weird way to go for Santa Claus, but you have to commend him for trying to deliver gifts to those children living next to a volcano.
Santa Claus is dead. Time of death: 6:66 p.m. on December 23, 2012. I know what you’re thinking. Actually, you could be thinking a few different things. On all accounts, shut up.
Don’t be sad that he’s dead. These things happen. The old adage holds true. In your despair, you better not shout. You better not cry. You better not pout, and I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is…oh…right, because he’s dead. That’s my mistake. One of those “foot in mouth” deals.
If you’re still reading this — which you’re probably not, and I can’t blame you — you’re probably thinking “why would Santa fall out of his sleigh?” The answer is simple. He got too fat. This entire piece is an allegory to teach young kids the importance of fighting obesity in America.
Just kidding, who cares about that. No question mark, because it’s not a question. It’s a statement. Written in question form. The truth is, he was murdered by the Christmas Leprechaun.
What we have here is a sort of Zeus-Hades feud going. If you were alive around 300 B.C., you may remember talk of the Christmas Leprechaun. He and Mr. Claus had the most lively, jovial competition with each other to see who would reign supreme on Christmas. Then the Leprechaun tried to murder Santa Claus’ wife, and things took a more serious turn.
Well, now the circle is complete. I’m here to help you cope with this new reality, and offer you a guide to appeasing this new Christmas deity and ensure you and your family have a happy holiday and a merry Christmas.
Step one: Don’t celebrate Christmas – Seriously. This leprechaun hates Christmas, and his wrath is only outmatched by his cruelty.
Step two: If you must celebrate Christmas, use a fake tree – The leprechaun doesn’t have a preference, it’s just that real trees are more flammable, and you’re going to want to avoid anything that can catch on fire from the Molotov cocktails he drops down your chimney.
Step three: Block your chimney – This won’t stop him, but it may buy you enough time to get most of your family out of the house alive.
Step four: Don’t leave him a treat – He only eats people, and regardless, you’re going to want all the food you can get for the oncoming Leprepocalypse. Yeah, he’s actually a herald of the end times…probably should have mentioned that in step one…
Step five: Don’t sing carols – He hates them. If you must, try singing “12 Days of Christmas,” but replace every line with “Leprechaun’s a-ruling.” The song gets repetitive and the syllables just throw the whole thing off, but at least he’ll let you finish the song before he eats you.
Step six: Santa Claus used to inspire good – He saw you when you were sleeping, and he knew when you were awake, and when you were bad or good. The jolly Christmas Leprechaun is the same, except he doesn’t care how you act, he just wants to feast on your deltoids.
Step seven: The great Christmas Leprechaun hates religious Christmas – He also hates nondenominational Christmas, Hannukah, St. Patrick’s Day (ironically), Easter, Valentine’s Day, Halloween, and Veteran’s Day. Especially Veteran’s Day. Most of all, he hates you.
Step eight: I don’t think I’m going to get to step ten. As you can see, this list has already stopped including actual steps…just more like statements now…
Step nine: Merry Christmas, from At The Buzzer and the Christmas Leprechaun! Now take this list, lose all hope, fall into the despair of the void as black as your soul, and go out there and enjoy your holiday!