We’ve already had a pair of compelling arguments this week about which Pokemon is the best.

It’s a shame both of them are wrong.

My colleagues have failed in their explanations because being the best isn’t just about murdering everyone. Sure, you can scare the masses that way, but if you’re constantly eliminating your biggest “fans,” who’s going to be left to heap accolades upon you? Come on, son.

Luckily, we have a clear-cut winner. He may not be the biggest, the strongest, or the fastest, but Piplup is without a doubt the best Pokemon.

Not a Drop to Drink

See that Hydro Pump? It’s coming for your face. You might think this would be refreshing in summertime, but it’s not. It’s a reminder of where your place is in the world.

Sometimes in cartoons, a character would try to open his mouth and drink all that water. This isn’t the cartoons, and you can’t unhinge your jaw (unless you’re some kind of circus freak). That’s hitting you square in the grill. Piplup’s not interested in killing you, but he does derive great pleasure from shooting water up your nose until it blows out your ears and hits the people standing next to you.

You might think that because there are approximately 456,000 water-type Pokemon in existence, you’ve got them figured out. That’s incorrect. Piplup has you figured out. You think you’re going to hitch a ride, like a Lapras? No. Give him sunglasses to wear, like Squirtle? False. Even Gyarados sizes up Piplup and says “f*** this, I’m out.”

Getting a Bit Peckish

On the off chance you figure out a way to deal with those fearsome water attacks, you have a new problem: Piplup’s beak extends to about five times its original size.

This poses two problems for you. One, if you think a peck on the cheek is going to be sweet, think again. That kiss is going to go through your skull and give you a new hole to use for breathing, eating, and saying ignorant things like “Metagross is the best Pokemon.” Two, if you think your girlfriend isn’t going to leave you once Piplup is finished with her, think again. Piplup is the perfect mix of gentle and rough, and your own inadequacy is not his concern. They call it Drill Peck for a reason.

That’s not to say that Piplup is a homewrecker — far from it. He doesn’t break up marriages. He’s only interested in the girls who have made poor choices in their dating life and deserve better. The reward is nine hours of pleasure and a pleasantly cleansing aftermath. You know those weird toilets that shoot water up when you’re finished? It’s something like that.

Lest Ye Be Judged

Piplup doesn’t discriminate based on race, gender, sexuality, nationality, level of income, prior offenses, hair color or penis size. Piplup uses Hydro Pump on everyone equally. The only exceptions to this rule are when people are being intolerant to someone else, and the French.

An Open Book

Piplup is a well-read, distinctive gentleman. He wears a monocle six days a week, and comically oversized polka dot sunglasses on the seventh. He doesn’t always drink, but when he does, it’s the blood of his victims.

More importantly, Piplup wears his emotions on his sleeve. Humans sometimes have a problem where they are unable to talk about their feelings (hello, guys!) or say the exact opposite of what they really mean (hello, ladies!). Piplup always tells you what’s on his mind, and on the rare occasions where someone disagrees with his opinion, he nods sagely, turns to walk away, and then puts a Hydro Pump directly in that person’s eyes. That transparency is important, because…

Have I Made Myself Clear?

…Piplup doesn’t want to have to repeat himself. When he says something the first time, he expects you to listen.

What’s that? You didn’t hear what Piplup said? Hydro Pump through the ears.

What’s that? All you heard him say was “Piplup?” First of all, that’s racist, and second of all, Hydro Pump through the ears.

A puny human not understanding Penguinese is not Piplup’s problem.

Spitting Mad

Piplup doesn’t spit, because he finds it to be both rude and not very hygienic. He does get angry on occasion, though, despite an almost unending supply of patience for lesser beings.

One surefire way to bring Piplup’s wrath upon you is to throw a Poke Ball at him. He doesn’t like being shrunk down and stuffed into a tiny container with the circumference of a softball. Would you like that? Believe me, Piplup is working on a chance for you to try it as we speak. He snuck into the Silph Company building last night to develop a prototype of the Master Ball, but for humans. You might shake back and forth three times, but you’re damn sure not escaping that final click.

Another surefire way to bring Piplup’s wrath upon you…

Rolling with the Punches

…is to punch him in the face.

This is a classic mistake by Dawn. She thinks that because she’s a human, she’s in a position of power. She’s not. In Piplup’s world, she’s merely overcompensating for her own feeble insecurities. And no, I’m not talking about that ridiculously short skirt.

The good news for most people is that Piplup is forgiving. After the appropriate amount of punishment for a person’s crime — say, a Hydro Pump in the urethra — he’ll let bygones be bygones. Dawn’s penance was having to dress up as a character that people liked more than her. She was lucky.

We’ve reached the end. Now that you’re a Piplup convert, you can share this article with your friends and get them all to join the Church of Piplup. We welcome all newcomers with open arms. The holy water container in the vestibule is discarded Hydro Pump water, the perfect reminder of your sins. There is a shrine outside where you can light candles in Piplup’s honor, and he puts those flames out nightly with well-placed Water Guns (only Piplup can prevent forest fires).

And on the off chance you still think Mewtwo is the best, well, it’s been nice knowing you.