The itchy eyes, shortness of breath, feeling like you have to sneeze at every second…

No, this isn’t what happened after my latest and greatest party I’ve thrown; it’s what happens every time I get around a cat.

I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m a dog person. I’ve said it in the show many times and I’ve owned dogs my entire life. I’m obviously biased.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t convince you to come out of the dark side and into the light! Cats suck, people, and here are six reasons why. Why six you might ask? Well, cats are the devil, and six seemed to fit them.

1. Cats are evil – Did you ever wonder why the Egyptians treated cats as Gods? It wasn’t a cat’s benevolence, that’s for sure. A little known fact is that cats actually enslaved the people of Egypt, forcing them to paint them as a deity. Thankfully the Romans freed them of this life of servitude.
2. Cats can’t defend your house – Imagine the scenario: A burglar comes to your house to steal your TV, time traveling socks, or your wife or something. What’s a cat going to do? Probably hide under the bed and save its own selfish ass. A dog? They’re going to defend you to the bitter end. They’re going to bark and bite until that burglar is dead, or at least wishes he was.
3. Puppies are infinitely cuter than kittens – A kitten by itself can be cute, but the scary thing about it is that you know it’s going to grow up, sucking the cuteness from it. A puppy blows away the competition. Puppies have those big floppy ears, feet too big for their bodies and those big eyes that just stare into your soul. Those eyes seem to say “I’m here for you, and we’re going to grow old together.” A kitten’s eyes say “I will conquer your life one day.”
4. You can’t walk a cat – Have you ever tried to put a leash on a cat? After applying peroxide to your claw wounds, you realize that it’s not a good idea. Cats can’t be bothered with your attempt to show them the world. They want to escape the house like a bandit to run and plan their next world domination scheme at night. They can’t be bothered with you. Dogs, well they can’t be more excited to walk with you, sometimes so much that you can’t even get the leash on they want to walk so badly. They just want to get out and share the world with you.
5. Dogs can be trained – As much as you can be friends with your dog, the master/pet relationship exists. Either a dog or cat is your pet and must act as such. Dogs will sit, shake, rollover, fetch and anything else on command. In contrast, have you ever tried to train a cat? The look of disdain on their face will make you question your sanity. Or at least your intelligence. You’ll just sit there, staring and asking yourself “Why the hell did I get a cat? This guy sucks.”
6. Cats don’t care that you exist – You are essentially a food servant to them. If you need them, they’re nowhere to be found, but the second that they are out of food, they’re going to let you know. Working on an important document on the computer? You’d better believe that the cat is going to crawl across your keyboard. Trying to eat dinner at the table? The cat is jumping on the table just to get hair in your food. Trying to read a book? Well then it’s time to pay attention to the cat, obviously.

A lot of people will make an argument that cats are more sophisticated than dogs. Those people obviously don’t have souls, or have fallen prey to a feline mind control tactic. So the next time you see a dog, pet him and love him. Next time you see a cat? Punt it into next week. It’s a pretty simple choice.