If life has taught me anything, it’s that everything needs classification. Cliques in schools. Personality types. Movie genres. Doesn’t matter. With that in mind, I’ve devised this ingenious gaming quiz. Based on facts compiled from dozens of scenarios that I ran in my head about five minutes ago, this tried and true formula can tell you, without a doubt, what type of gamer you are, information you can then take and write on facebook in a post no one will read.
Wondering how it works? It’s simple! Below are five different, totally possible scenarios that could happen in your life at any time. Just go through the questions, remember what you answered, and reference it with the ending. Ideally, you would be able to click on your answer and have it recorded, but I don’t know how to do that stuff. Good luck!
Question 1: While walking to the store one day, you come across a man who appears to be kidnapping a baby from a stroller. How do you respond?
A. Approach the man, and try to talk him out of it by appealing to his emotions. By exploring all of your options through dialogue with him, you can come to an amiable agreement, or intimidate him into running away. Maybe he would prefer a trade. Soda for the baby?
B. Without hesitation, you draw your sword and behead the guy, then leap off the bridge in slow motion to escape retaliation from his affiliates.
C. Without hesitation, you open fire on his face, accidentally killing thirteen civilians in the process. You understand that collateral damage is an unfortunate reality.
D. You keep walking. The police are probably around the corner, and you are too close to the grocery store to stop now.
Question 2: While sleeping in your room one night, a time vortex opens and a man from the future emerges. He says that you must travel with him to the future to save the world from a great calamity. Or something. What do you do?
A. You decide to go with him, but first take your time to make sure you have the necessary equipment and have resolved all of the lingering romance options in your life. Packing a large stash of Small Keys probably wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.
B. Without hesitation, you calmly, walk over to your closet, removing your samurai sword, 15 knives, a pair of sunglasses, a trench coat, and a fedora, then tell the man that “the future is history” before front flipping in slow motion through the time vortex.
C. A guy from the future comes into your bedroom? A bullet is in his head before he takes step on your floor. You don’t take chances; what if it’s Future Hitler? Or Sephiroth?
D. It depends. Saving the world seems like a lot of work, and you would like some sort of vacation assurance to break up the stress. Second, your favorite show is on tonight and you would really appreciate it if he would come back in about two hours so you can either watch it or figure out your wonky DVR situation.
Question 3: A nuclear bomb is set to off in your bathroom. There are four different methods to shut it down. How do you disarm it?
A. By pressing the “Disarm” button, clearly marked and easily accessible. Or do you? There are probably a lot of people that would pay you good money to let the nuke detonate and decimate the whole city. However, the hit to your morality would be significant, requiring you to help AT LEAST 300 grannies cross the street to raise it back up. You’ll have to consider this one.
B. By using the disarm key. Unfortunately, your nemesis has swallowed the disarm key, and the only way to get back is a fight to the death atop a giant bipedal machine that broke through the wall of your bathroom. After a lengthy fistfight, you unleash a complex combo that may or may not involve a hadouken, then rip the key out of his stomach and watch as he falls to his death. In slow motion.
C. By carefully analyzing it, using your gadgets to determine the best way to disarm it. After 30 seconds pass, you lose patience and shoot it.
D. You choose the method that involves matching different colored stones together by switching their positions. When you match three colors in a line, the blocks disappear, disarming the bomb. And giving you a new high score.
Question 4: You reach the end of a long, arduous journey, only to discover that there is one final test in your way. What is this test?
A. A giant dragon, completely invincible to every attack in your arsenal 99 percent of the time. Unfortunately for him, he insists on repeating the pattern that makes the one percent of his head completely vincible to only one of your attacks. Instead of shifting this pattern, he persists, never stopping even after you have repeatedly exploited it.
B. An impossible gauntlet of every enemy you have ever encountered, attacking you in endless waves. Thought the previous bosses were hard? Well, now you get to fight them all at once, and now they are radioactive so your health continually depletes, and one of them just went Super Saiyan, and they’ve disabled your slow motion. Good luck.
C. Who cares? Everything looks pretty much the same when you put enough bullets in them. And regardless, everyone know there are only three types of enemies: Aliens. Demons. Axis of Evil. That’s it.
D. Why does there have to be a test? If I finished the journey, can’t it just end?
Question 5: You die, and your soul is being judged at the gates of heaven. What is the verdict?
A. Your life is judged based on a sort of morality meter that has tracked all of your choices to this point. Unfortunately, the system is flawed, because one good point for helping granny cross the street is equalized by one “bad” point for pushing her off the cliff on the other side. Your life is judged not in shades of gray, but black and white. It’s just easier that way.
B. Death? F that. You’re sent to hell, where you proceed to escape. You eviscerate every demon in sight armed with only a toothpick, one sandal, and a pair of sunglasses. Cerberus drowns itself in lava when you make eye contact, and your abundance of testosterone and obvious libido makes Satan’s head explode. Guess at what speed his head explodes? Yeah, you got it.
C. Your itchy trigger finger will make it difficult to remain in heaven, but you feel pretty secure. If God tries to pull anything, you have a few couple bullets with his name on them.
D. You appeal to the judges, asking if you can try your life again and try to get a better score this time.
Answer Key: It’s a pretty intense formula based on a lot of scientific stuff, but I think you can figure it out. If you answered mostly A, then you prefer the Adventure/ RPG games. You enjoy epic journeys, a more methodical pace, and the ability to choose due to nonlinear design. Check out games like Mass Effect 3, Skyrim, and The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.
If you answered mostly B, then you enjoy the pure adrenaline and quick reflexes that Action and Fighting titles provide. Games like Marvel vs. Capcom 3, God of War, and Metal Gear Solid are right up your alley.
If you answered mostly C, then you are a “twitch gamer,” part of the most profitable genre in gaming, the shooter. Based on the answers, I’m sure that one comes as a shocker. You prefer Modern Warfare, Left 4 Dead, and Halo.
If you answered mostly D, then you are the casual gamer, and view games as a relaxing side hobby than a main source of entertainment. You don’t play all that often, but you enjoy it when you do. You like games like Ms. Pac-Man, Angry Birds, and sometimes even Super Mario.