The existential quandary of all existential quandary, the likes of which I’m not convinced I’ve ever been faced with before. An earth shattering revelation have I unintentionally just now stumbled upon. If you had asked me who, if I had any choice in the world, I would want to be my best celebrity friend, I would have told you Steve Nash with nary a hesitation. But now, a new candidate has entered the fray.
Taylor Swift and I are destined to be best friends. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but my intentions are completely plutonic. I just think we’d have a really fun time together. It’s nothing original; I’m sure I share this desire with many an American teenage girl. But I can’t deny it.
Now, being best friends with Steve Nash would have its perks. Playing ball together, for example, would be an exceptional way to spend free time. And as my best friend, I’m confident I could wrangle him to join me in city league games. Could you imagine bringing Steve Nash to your city league game? That’s a perk of him being your best friend.
Furthermore, Nash is just a cool guy with a great sense of humor. Have you seen his Vitamin Water commercials? Comedic gold. Imagine having your wedding, and Steve Nash is looking dapper as your best man. Then he makes a sharply witty toast that is just edgy enough, and yet demonstrates just how well this guy knows you. Because he cares about you and notices things about you that you wouldn’t think he would have picked up on, and this realization sends goosebumps down your arms. Plus he could give me Suns season tickets, and I could reside at the floor seats and entertain his twins while we watch their daddy play basketball. There are many words for these scenarios. TRIUMPHANT. PHENOMENAL. SPECTACULAR. NOT WEIRD AT ALL. And every word is in caps because of how much emphasis they possess. Being his best friend would reap all sorts of rewards.
And yet, there is a disconnect because of the age difference. The guy is almost 40 years old. If he became a father at a disturbingly young age, the guy could practically be my dad. These are issues that T. Swift inherently has the advantage in. Can Steve Nash talk to me about feelings? Or problems with boys? Or teach me how to play the guitar? Probably not. Nor could he get me tickets to Taylor Swift concerts.
Have you seen Swifty’s music videos? She goes old school, with the princess gown and everything, in like 80 percent of them. If that’s not cruise control for cool, then I don’t know what is. And if you watch the behind the scenes of her music videos, she’s so down to earth. It’s not some star that is bothered with making music, it’s just a normal girl who feels lucky and blessed for the opportunity to do what she does. And if you stare at the candlelit pictures of her hanging in the shrine of your basement, sometimes she even talks to you. Asks you how your day goes, stuff like that. The experience transcends what would otherwise be the neatest moment in your life, trust me.
Jealously has never tempted me to sucker punch someone square on their face the way it did when my friend told me they met Taylor Swift’s dad, and said dad gave the friend tickets to Swift’s concert. I think the arousal of these emotions means something. Sorry Steve, but someone has stolen the completely plutonic piece of my heart.
Thanks for letting me work through my issues, Unicorn adorned, bedazzled, tear stained diary. Only you understand me.