Mute Baby has chosen me to be his official spokesperson.

Mute Baby knows the public believes that Mute Baby is very happy as the guest star and co-mascot of the At The Buzzer show. Mute Baby wants the public to know that they are wrong. Mute Baby has been oppressed and treated unfairly for too long. Mute Baby, in association with Gerber Baby Food, has Mr. Kitten Mittens’ favorite pillow. Mute Baby promises to shear this pillow in half unless his demands are met. Mute Baby wants the world to know he is serious.

The list of demands is as follows:

1. Mute Baby wants to play a larger role in the show. Mute Baby is tired of only the occasional cameo. If not a speaking part, then he would at least want to contribute to pre-production. Mute Baby has great ideas for segments and Buzz-Offs. Mute Baby wants the world to know his spelling is impeccable.

2. Mute Baby wants a nicer chair to sit in. Mute Baby is tired of the wooden chair. He wants a chair with a cushion. But no leather! Leather chafes against his skin.

3. At the end of the show, Mute Baby wants Chris to plug his new book, Memoirs of an Oppressed Silent Toddler. Mute Baby assures you that his book is of the highest quality.

4. To demonstrate he has great ideas for segments, here is an example. Mute Baby wants to implement a segment where Chris, Dave, and I fight. On the radio. To the death. While he watches from his cushioned, non-leather chair.

5. Mute Baby wants the immediate extradition of Molly from the basement. So as not to be confused with charity, Mute Baby is clarifying that Molly’s inability to make a decent sandwich has earned her all of his hatred, and he wants her as far away from him as possible. I asked Mute Baby how far, and he asked me if we’ve figured out how to land on Mars yet.

6. Mute Baby wants NASA to figure out how to land on Mars. Immediately.

7. Mute Baby wants letters in the Buzz In segment addressed to him occasionally. Mute Baby wants America to know that he gives great advice.

8. Mute Baby wants Bob Dole and Ross Perot on a ticket for President in 2012. Mute Baby would run for President, but Mute Baby was born in Kuwait.

9. Mute Baby wants to restructure At The Buzzer. First, he wants to bring back the Hate Round. Next, he wants to replace every other segment with the Hate Round.

10. Mute Baby wants to invite Vince Carter over to his house. Then he wants to put a roofie in his pineapple cocktail, and send him and Molly on a shuttle together to Mars.

11. Another example: Mute Baby wants a segment where Dave, Chris, and I go around and tell America what exactly we love about Mute Baby.

12. Mute Baby wants more guest stars on the show. Here is a list of acceptable stars.

• Jason Hagerty: Mute Baby and Jason were introduced in the same episode. Mute Baby liked the way Jason smelled. He wants Jason back on the show, and for Jason to “wear something nice.”
• Jacob from Twilight
• Not Edward
• Natalie Portman
• That’s it

13. Mute Baby wants Dave to continue alienating the audience by insulting different cultural groups. Mute Baby says “Keep up the good work, Dave.”